Hello there! How are you good folks of the world? I am fine, thanks for asking, and my life is peachy but politics interest me some and I often get thinking. By the way, my name is Joe. Just your average Joe from Nowhere in America. Do you know the place? Have you been here? Have you been here lately? Are you from around here? The most of us are. Even, if you are not, you still are because this is not just a place but a state of mind. Yes, I was born and raised right here on a pig and broccoli farm in Nowhere, America. Population: 12. There used to be more of us down here but some of them just died and some got up and left. Why died? Out of boredom, I guess, and from too much of broccoli juice. Broccoli juice could be rough on your fragile innocent system if you don’t train yourself since the early childhood. I did. My father gave me the first taste of juice when I was still sucking the breast, maybe at seven. I still remember that, as yesterday. A combination of a breast and the juice makes you wonder and I do. Why some of them left? Beats the heck out of me. What could be better than what we have already? Well, there could be something out there we do not have here but then go out, get it and come back fast. Share whatever you’ve got out there with the rest of us and be happy. Short trip, get what you want, like a dog, a fancy beer or the latest Playboy magazine, and it’s over. You hear? Not a big deal. And, you always have to come back here to your fatherland, but some of them never did. What? Why? Did they find more of Playboy and Playgirl magazines on the way in or out and are not coming back until they memorized every single picture in the entire collection? Could be. That is a good possibility. I would like that. I could do that given the opportunity. That’s how you get to cherish the good memories in the dark, in bed, alone.

Once I saw an issue of the “Local Pigs”, the Washington, DC edition, and could not take my eyes off it. What a life. One has to be a real pig to enjoy it in the fullest. These were the best looking pigs of the male and the female persuasion I ever saw. Fat, shiny and full of it… There is no better place for pigs than in Washington, DC. Very comfy if you can adapt to that kind of a life where pig eats pig. And, they grab it all. I am telling you. I know my pigs and those pigs take the prize. But it’s a big world out there and magazines with pretty pictures are all over the place. Look, you take the “Horse’s Ass” magazine (the gay edition) or the “Doggy Dog” (the sport edition) or the “Young and Restless – the Secret life of Religious Lesbians” (the anyone’s edition) and see for yourself. Pretty pictures are almost on every page. Everything is pretty in there. Can you remember all of them, pictures? No. But you try like hell. After all, it could decorate your life and make you a better man one day. One could even become politically correct from such knowledge. Knowledge… What would we not do for knowledge? And we constantly go out, out there, in search of information and so badly needed education and that is how the big world gets us. A simple working guy can easily get lost in the wildness of the civilized world. Look at our leaders; they used to be the simple working guys but… Well, some of them used to be girls and even the pretty ones. Is it a result of pollution and the greenhouse affect? Or, just the plain greed and the hunger for power?

Now, let me tell you something of importance. As you could guess, I am somewhat an intellectual and, therefore, a member of the opposition party. That’s what the intellectuals do. We always believe that we know better regardless of whether we know the subject or do not know anything. We still know or not know better. No matter who won the last election and where, I am in opposition and I am going to criticize his or her position and that is my position. Got it? It’s a common and the most comfortable position. I hope I am clear enough on all that even for a slow guy as you may be. Once a friend of mine said that usually he was voting democrat but this time it was such a bunch of idiots and crooks that he did not vote at all. What? How did that help? No, I always take a stand. I am in opposition. Also, I am a vegetarian. It’s a very popular movement, if you know. Many famous people supported us and some did it quite openly. In our movement, one can eat meat, fish and poultry, as much as he may want to, but it always has to be accompanied by the greens. That’s where the word “vegetarian” came from: vegetables, greens. “Eating more greens is living your dreams” – that’s our motto. I always substitute my veggies with the broccoli juice. It’s allowed for as long as you take a full measure of juice in the weight of the veggies you did not eat. So, let us say, you were going to eat a pound of veggies a day. You replace it with at least sixteen ounces of the properly fermented (preserved) juice. It could be any fermented juice: broccoli, turnip, potato, beats, corn, or grain. Rye and fruits are very good too but grape juice is too weak and not tasty enough for my taste. Make juice from whatever you have handy at the time considering the economic conditions. The more of juice the better for your system. It’s like more veggies to eat. It works. Ask your doctor or better a veterinarian. Talk to the guy taking care of the pigs. He’ll tell you. Juice does a body good. Trust me, it does. This is a good diet. I would say the best, and many people would definitely agree with me. It makes me feel great all the time and especially after the meal. I feel no pain and you would not either.

I often hear these crazy stories about Arabs and Muslims, in general, killing Jews, Christians and Muslims, in general, because of something they believe in and we don’t, or the other way around. Why are they killing us? Maybe we should be killing them instead? Someone said that offence is the best defense. This is smart. Kick the enemy in the balls before they know that they are your enemy. I like that. Rules of engagement? There are no rules any longer if you are forced to engage. Do they follow rules? Do they know that there are rules? Do they care? Why should you? When you are engaged already there is only one rule that applies – you can do whatever you have to do to win, to survive. You cannot burry your dead and keep the gloves white. Now, why do they, Muslims, have this mean disposition and want to kill us all? What’s in it for them? Do they want our land? I hear they don’t do much with the land they have already. They don’t work the land they have and claim to be poor. We work our land and their industry and we don’t claim to be poor. We are poor and, still, we give a half of it to anyone and just for asking. Are we nuts? And they, lazy but overly religious bastards, hate us for what we are and mainly for what we have. They have Mosques on our land and we don’t have churches and Synagogues on theirs. They own our businesses and we don’t own their camels. Our operations are severally restricted in their countries. We pump the black liquid shit called oil for them and then they make us pay for it and through the nose. They drive camels with the Mercedes and the Ferrari insignias and we drive the locally made pick up trucks with a head of a ram. We deliver them goods so they can live in luxury of paradise and they blow us up delivering whatever is left of us to hell. Is that fair? Why should we treat them as they don’t treat us? Why should we treat them better than they treat themselves? What is wrong with that picture? I know what is wrong with it. They just don’t eat and drink right. This all is in the diet. Wrong food and the lack of greens in the diet make you mean and ugly and that is what we observe with Muslims. Prune faced… Look at the pictures of guys blowing us up. Constipation… They are plain ugly. The good looking dudes don’t do that. They enjoy the paradise life and ready to share it with anyone. It’s commonly called hospitality and not jihad. So, my solution is quite simple and includes no Mosques, Churches or Synagogues, plenty of the roasted pork sandwiches and rivers of broccoli juice for everyone involved. Do you dig it? I bet there would be no mean gene left even in the meanest person of the Muslim persuasion after that treatment. Pork is always good and especially when it’s coming from a pig you used to know up close and personally; add a good measure of the fermented veggie juice and you get a recipe for the peace and prosperity on earth. Peace, brothers, and no pain. I love it and you would too. Even the always lying, dishonorable, low-life, all-day praying, totally lost and so ugly Muslims would quickly understand that culinary approach. Shall we? What do you think? Are you with me? Let’s knock on the doors of all these Mosques in our neighborhoods, ask them politely to step out and eat with us what we have prepared and, if they refuse, make them. This is for their good, so, the law should be on our side anyway. Right? What do you think - the law guys? Silence, they approve. I think. Maybe. Let’s do it, then. The question is solved and answered. The unlawful approach to an unlawful question may make it lawful at the end.

Now, let’s take this immigration crap. Legal, illegal, aliens - who the hell cares. There is only one way to cut down on the illegal side of anything is by making it legal. That’s it. Then, everything becomes legal. Drugs… Make them legal. Reckless driving… Homosexuality… Screw anyone in any way you like to. Enjoy. The elected officials have been doing it to you for ages; ever since you elected them and you take it without much complaining. The longer they sit there in office, the more they screw you. You may even like it. Who can really tell? After all, you keep reelecting them. Change the rules. Driving under the influence… We are always influenced by something including driving. Otherwise, why would we drive at all? Where do you really have to go? Stay home and drink the juice. Be healthy and feel no pain. Legalize it, I say. Make everything legal; do away with lawyers, close down courts and save big time. Okay, okay, we need courts. A few. One little court per state should do nicely. Thank you very much. Cops… Cut down on them too. Make them work for living. Make them catch the real criminals like the pig rapists. You wanna screw a pig, be gentle, and get her to agree first, give her a kiss and a turnip. I read that once a screwed pig even got a cigar from the screwer. That was in the “Local pigs” magazine, the Washington, DC edition. What a guy. What a gentlemen. But, if you are not that guy, cops should teach you a lesson. Not to beat the crap out of you but to show how it should be done properly and make sure that you understood it. Practice and practice some more. Practice makes it perfect. This is important, folks, for you, for me and for the rest of the pigs.

You see, there is always a peaceful solution to anything and anywhere, if you look for it hard enough and in the right places. I personally hate violence no matter in what form it comes. Violence is wrong even if it’s right. Let’s take war, for example. I feel for our boys dying over there (some of them are from around here) but I don’t feel for their boys dying over there. So, our violence is right and their violence is wrong. I hate their wrong violence. And this is clear to me. Is it clear to you? I don’t think they have any right to be violent because they are wrong to begin with and we have all the rights to be violent because we are right all the time. Am I right? That’s how I see it and that is how you should be seeing it too. Enough is enough. No more difference of opinions. We should have one collective vision – the vision of the government. No more of their violence and more of ours. Good violence is the key to everything good including the peace for everyone. Or, let us take another very powerful example. A member of my opposition party, after being in Congress for eleven years, was stopped by a police officer, charged with the protection of the Congress from the violence of the real world. He dared to ask the congresswoman for an ID and she struck him. She claimed that she was well known and he singled her out for being black. The police officer said that he was obligated to check the IDs for the security reasons. That was the procedure. True, he did remember a few elected officials for their memorable deeds and the powerful speeches and never checked for their IDs. She… She made herself know mostly only when she wanted something or did not want to do something else like to show an ID that she left home. There were no deeds or speeches to remember after eleven years. And, he could not single her out because of her color because law was blind and he was color blind on top of it. That was violent and I hated that. But she was a member of my opposition party so I had to support her. I could not be in opposition to opposition. Could I? And, what about that guy with the bribe money in his refrigerator? He was a member of my party and in good standing. I keep beer and the broccoli juice in my refrigerator and he keeps the bribe money there. Why? Is it in order to keep them fresh and use them later when the time is right? Well, this is good and juicy but that is another story all together and I have no time for it now because I'm getting thirsty already.

Let us discuss the immigration reform thing now. This is too a good one. We never know whom we hire to work fields when we need to hire help. We do not ask questions and we do not check anything. Why bother? But, if I would have to pay a fine for hiring someone illegal, I would ask for papers and make sure that things are kosher. Kosher… Nice word. Broccoli juice is kosher. I asked the guy who knew a Jewish guy who knew a Rabbi. The Jewish Rabbi is like a Christian Priest or a Muslim Mullah only smarter and does not like boys or blowing up people. The Jewish guy, who knew a Rabbi, came over and tested the stuff. Thirty two ounces later he said it was kosher all right. He had no doubts about that and was ready to sign a document stating so. And he would do so, but holding a pen was becoming a problem right at about that time. He said that Shabbat was coming later this week and he could not write on Shabbat and had to lie down for a day or two to think this question through. I could accept this because veggies could do that to you. Nature… Vitamins… One had to know his limit on veggies. My father always said that and, in this case, he knew what he was talking about. Vitamins haunted him all his life.

Now, let’s go back to the main issue: illegal immigration. Who are the “illegals”? They are like “legals” only they speak funny. Well, some of us speak funny as well but they speak much funnier or do not speak American at all. So, in short, they are like Canadians only they are Mexicans. So, now we can see the parallel between Mexicans and Canadians and that should lead us to an answer. Why Canada does not make a provision for illegal Mexicans to cross in to Canada illegally? They are the same funny talking people anyway. All Canada has to do is to create a border with Mexico and there you are. Mexicans will start crossing it individually and in groups. We should take parts of our border in question and call it the Canadian border. As soon as someone crosses it illegally, they are in Canada. All we have to do, instead of building walls, is to arrange for these people to be driven to a point of their choice: Vancouver, Toronto, Quebec or Montreal. Canada has to accept this proposal. This is a responsible thing to do. Don’t you realize, people, that Canada is occupied by Canadians and Mexico is occupied by the Mexicans and we are squeezed right in the middle of it by the occupying powers. They are squeezing the broccoli juice out of us. This situation has to be dealt with and now. Link Mexico and Canada and let them work it out. They are the same funny speaking people anyway. This is the ethnic question for them and the immigration question for us. We cannot load our elected officials with anything that heavy. They are too busy hiding money in refrigerators, driving under the influence and fighting the police charged with protecting them. Do you think we should have police charged with protecting us from them?

So, my dear good folks of the world thank you for listening. I told you my latest thoughts on the newest issues. If you liked my position of opposition, come over to Nowhere and let’s have some roasted pork sandwiches and plenty of broccoli juice. And, if you did not, you can go to Canada and be a Mexican there. Love you, all the same.